big big girl in a big big world

It's amazing to have parents who are avid travellers themselves. My burning desire to travel and see the world has been instilled in me since I was a little girl. Growing up, my dad made sure we had those roadtrips, weekend trips, school holiday trips, small trips, not-so-small trips. I dare not say I have travelled a lot. The world is so huge, so wide, so big. However I can say that of the however few places that I've  been before, they have enriched me in ways more profound than anyone can ever imagine. I can say that having seen those places, met those people and learnt their cultures, I am greatly humbled. Travelling isn't about boasting about the 5-star hotels and luxury cruises. Travelling, for me, have always been about an adventure to just about anywhere in the world and see just about anything. The dirtier the accomodation, the better. The dustier the roads, the more fun I'll be having.

"I've seen more than I remember, and remember more than I've seen."

Here's a list of the cities I've visited (out of Malaysia of course); and brief descriptions about them. I plan to make this list grow at the speed of at least three countries a year!


Bangkok, Thailand - I've been there at least four times already; all trips tagging alongside my parents. Fully paid by parents too! :D

Hatyai, Thailand - It's near to home. I have visited Hatyai  for about six times.

Hong Kong, China - Once; family trip! That was before Disneyland. Stayed at my Uncle's seaside bungalow!

Manila, Phillipines - Once also; it was a long transit of about one day (on the way to Hawaii). Managed to visit a few places in the city in the span of one day. Good enough.

Honolulu, Hawaii USA - Yes, I've been to Hawaii. Went with my family and dad's friends. What more can I say? Hawaii has got to be the dream vacation for everyone!

Tokyo, Japan - My three-week solo adventure to the Land of Rising Sun!!

Gold Coast, Australia - It was a dream come true for me to visit all the three awesome theme parks in Gold Coast! And the beach and seas were breathtaking! Went with family; and dad's friends too. A whole lot of us.

Melbourne, Australia - Flew alone to Melbourne to visit my friends. Stayed there for about a month!

Jakarta, Indonesia - For my cousin's wedding! The whole big family flew there!

Medan, Indonesia - Went with my family and cousins. Lake Toba is so awesome.

Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam- A trip with my friends. First time taking AirAsia out of Malaysia! Haha.

Vung Tau, Vietnam- One of the best places to visit in Vietnam. A relaxing, swim-in-the-ocean destination!

Singapore - I've visited Singapore at the very least 10 times already! Kia su!! hahahaha!!

Siem Reap, Cambodia- I'll be heading there this coming Thursday! *jumps jumps*

Colombo, Sri Lanka - Flying there with the boyfriend this coming March. Life's great!

Yogyakarta, Indonesia - Just booked the flights yesterday. Flying with the boyfriend as well. WHOOHOO!

As for the rest of the world; wait for me. I'll see you soon.

Little dreams

This is so familiar.
 The situation I am in.
 This cross-junction I have come upon again and again and again.

If anyone ask where my heart and soul lie, considering the fact that I have worked in two entire different fields of career now; there can only be one true-to-self answer. They've always been with law, with rules of laws, with cases made up of sophisticated English names, with statutory interpretations, with equitable interests, with laws of the land, with will-writings, with constructive trusts, with Donoghue vs Stevenson's, with Re Tiuck's Settlement Trusts, with actus reus, with mens rea, with the ei incumbit probatio qui dicit's, with the ignorantia juris non excusat's. 

 These are the words that make me hustle, to hasten, to impel.

  Law; in itself full of words, of languages, of interpretations, of puns, of life, of soul; Oh the soul. Like those brilliant compositions of songs. Full of souls. Paragraphs after paragraphs that leave you with satisfactory insights as well as the feeling of insufficiency; they make you feel full and at the same time hungry for more.


...And then I got the news that I have to wait a bit longer before I can be a lawyer. I'd be a robot if I say I wasn't at all devastated to know that. But then I've gained so much strength over the past few years to know that everything, regardless of its nature; happens for a reason.

 And usually, if you allow things to work itself out with grace, the reasons are good as hell.

So then, I think and I think again.
Law in its very form resembles life in more ways than a million.

It is in life; mine, yours, his, hers, theirs - and how we are all wonderfully connected; that I find soul.

It is completely okay that I have to wait longer than the rest. It is even okay if I have to wait a lifetime. I am just given the opportunity to be more free in achieving things I never thought I could. That prerogative. Unchained. Unobstructed.

I just have to make sure that while waiting for those big dreams to become reality, I fight for my own tiny dreams and make these little ones come true. 

No, they don't breakeven

A person's every action (as well as inaction) has an effect, a consequence, a reaction, a residue, an eventuality, a bottomline. The cycle never ends. Every word ever uttered, all feelings left unsaid, little smiles kept inside, bursts of laughter let out, ounces of strength poured out, courage found and tested, inspiration received and felt, hope being robbed, faith being questioned, faith restored, kisses lovers embrace, distance that separates soulmates, fights picked because we care this much, a sweet surprise from a boyfriend, a mother's phone call that made our day, a father's comforting hug, conversations between the long-lost friends, movie-marathons on friday nights, inside jokes only you and I understand, the moment the traffic light turns green on on days we are in a hurry, the smell of a freshly brewed cup of coffee, the song we dance to when we're alone in our room, promises broken, promises fulfilled, morning emails we get from our best friend, our favourite pair of pants, the sound of the evening rain, our daily trip to the gym, the Italian BMT (without dressing because we're on diet) we just had for lunch, plans made for this week, plans made for the next five years. Plans we made but did not happen.

Dreams only dreamers dream of, reality only practical beings can comprehend.

Everything has an aftermath. Every action has a reaction. Whether we can see it or feel it or don't give a fucking damn ; a reaction in whatever form has happened, is happening, and continues to happen - wherever, whenever. The Script says it best. When it comes to matters of the heart and soul, no, they do not breakeven. The 2-second smile we give to the homeless man by the street may mean nothing to us, but it may be the only smile he ever got all week. An sms may cost you 20 cents; nothing less nothing more, but it may mean the world to the person who receives it.

Nothing ever breakeven. And this is as much amazing as it is scary. So make peace everything we do, everything we did not do, everything we say, everything left unsaid. Make peace with what they might bring or what they might not bring. 

Make peace with that. Make peace with that.

Do you believe in magic?

I'm not referring to those where the white little rabbit disappears from the hat and then appears on your lap, or where your wallet disappears from your pocket and ends up in the docket. Not even the one where the Statue of Liberty vanishes or the scantily-dressed-big-breasted woman being cut into half. 

Nop, not these perfectly planned and executed stage performances.

I'm speaking those of unexplained terms; but not in the scary ghostly way but in the most unbelievably incredibly beautiful manner. The type of magic that warms your heart, soothens your soul. The kind that butters your blessed life with even more blessings you never thought you could have. The kind that we don't need any more explanations just because we don't need any because's. 

Have you got your magic? 

The moment(s) in time where you see just how life is just so wonderfully cliched only magic could've made it so. And that even if you could turn back time to change one thing, anything, you wouldn't want to. Just because everything happens for magical reasons we will one day discover. That each turns, each up's and each down's in life are little magic event that makes everything this much special.

Do you believe in magic?

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?


Not that I actually mind because my most beloved time of the year is soon approaching.


It did not seem too long ago when my mom was driving the then 8-year-old me around town for CNY shopping. I would buy those cute little Cinderella-wannabe dresses, and I would try them on every night until the Day One of CNY itself. Some things do not change. I still buy Cinderella-wannabe dresses :p But some things do. Like now, I am usually the one driving when I go shopping with mom. Nonetheless my mom looks as though she has not aged one bit. But me? I can longer fit into Kiki Lala's anymore that's for sure. Oranges still smell the same. Ang pows still give me the same thrill. The Mahjong rules stay the same. But back then, I did not think cookies contain any calorie. 

It knock-socks-off that I grow up so fast in so short a time; in a subjective, non-linear kind of way of course. I am twenty-four this year. I will always be sixteen at heart. When I was sixteen, I was already twenty-four at heart. Life's funny. Numbers are funny. Mathematics is science. But growing, learning and evolving aren't. They're subjects of perspective and appreciation and thinking. Our mind works in an odd way. But good odd, I'd say. But it does not change the fact that when i fill in forms, it looks like this; AGE: 24

Twenty-four is not old or anywhere near old, it's just almost one-quarter of a century :) And that in welcoming a new year - regardless if you're turning twenty-four or forty-two, you still feel you have come a long way, or not - that you've achieved so much, or so little. Failed big time (figuratively) but gained some time (literally)? Gave so much or received so much. We took one step that is filled with many, feeling like it was many that merged into one.

How scary is that? Or how pretty is that? Again, mind over matter. Mind over matter!

Come CNY, come CNY. It is my favourite time of the year and I am gonna enjoy it like I did for the last almost-almost-quarter-of-a-century!


Sometimes, all you ever needed was...

I am not even going to begin to care that Chelsea may possibly (Do not under-estimate Sunderland. Actually, let me re-phrase, do not over-estimate Chelsea!) be extending their lead come tomorrow, or that we have had one too many draws. I cannot care too much, not after the game against Villa. I might begin to care when mid-week approaches or whatnot. But as of now, really, I do not care.

Look at Vidic's fiery and passionate celebration as he celebrated his equalizer.

Raw, blazing, zealous. Almost wild.

Look at his face - the blood-rushed face ; Untamed. Unrestrained.

His spirit, and the team's - It was all I needed.

Full circle

"It takes some silence to make sound,
And It takes a loss before you found it,
And It takes a road to go nowhere,
It takes a toll to make you care,
It takes a hole to make a mountain"

It's a weird place to be.
If you guys haven't already known, I didn't make it.

Having to face a failure, a turning in life where the outcome isn't something to smile about; can be very depressing. I feel like I was being pushed down - instead of being pulled as per the law of gravity; by everything that comes with this failure. It is suffocating.

However, I am (almost) done with the crying, have decided to see it in the most positive way that I can. My family and friends have been so supportive of me, they believe in me in times where I stopped believing in myself.

And because I have their love, I will be fine.

Everything happens for a reasons, I keep telling myself. I really hope I am right.
I will definitely take the exams again next year, and I will make it this time around.

Someone told me that if I didn't sway my attention off the "law" path - that is if I didn't work full time right after graduation in a field not directly relevant to law, and that if I attended classes full time, I would have passed. That if I wasn't "distracted" from my aim to be a lawyer, I would not have struggled this much.

That someone was not totally wrong, I am sure it would have been very different. I won't say I would have passed per se, but it would make things more "normal".

However, that someone is wrong in saying that I didn't have a "goal", or that I didn't keep my eyes on the prize; thus attended to "other things in other fields".
Everyone has a different life - different responsibilities, different perspective on all things.
How can you compare? You cannot even begin to, trust me.

Just because I ventured into another line, I am less a "lawyer"? No way in hell.

If any, my work experiences, the ones I got while I was "distracted", I am one-hundred per cent certain, will make a better lawyer that I will ever be, a better employee, a better colleague, a better learner, a better person.

Regrets? No thank you.

Watch your words.

If the words you speak are harsh, careless and hard-nosed, they say nothing about the subject matter; but of you - being ignorant, dull and bitter.

Using the English language to express yourself - it's a powerful tool in itself.
It's mightier than all the swords in the world put together.

Use them wisely O my dear.

The thing that irks me is the way we misuse this facile tool. What ruffles me more is that we, most of whom are raised in good and able homes, well-read, college-educated - are the culprit. How can someone who is so clever be so foolish at the same time? It means nothing that you are armed with a university degree, or earn RM200,000 a year. If you behave indolently - I will respect you less. The world will.

I advocate freedom of expressing oneself; that we should speak our mind, ask questions, and demand for answers. Just do it with dignity and integrity, and humility - something that years down the road, you can proudly show your children and grandchildren.

However when one uses this very freedom to say hasty things that are depthless - everyone else will now judge you a little bit more and think of you a little bit less.

Sometimes, all we need to do is grow up.

With or without Rooney.

Most Manchester United supporters, like myself, are huge fans of Wayne Rooney; for when his foot touches the ball, I feel shivers down my spine. And we love these shivers, don't we? They're the reasons we will never, ever, stop watching football.

So yes, if he ever leaves, I'm going to be devastated like I did when a certain Ronaldo left. But let's be prompted yet again that nobody is bigger than the club. Players explicitly come and go. However the club and its legacy, its history, its spirit - of which its posters we hang in our bedroom and its jersey we wear with so much pride, remains the ultimate why and wherefore we call ourselves die-hards of Manchester United.

Our recent kinda-dry run in the Premier League is a concern, but let's get real and be humble, we can't win every game. We should grow up and not get too ahead of ourselves. Stop being a spoiled Manchester United fan- always only expecting glory, as if the club owe it to us. They don't. We chose to support Manchester United. We made our choice and pledged our loyalty. We stick by them, win-lose-or-draw, top-of-the-table-or-bottom-of-the-league, Rooney-or-without-Rooney.

Liverpool fans, if any of you are reading this, are still Liverpool fans as of now, as you were, say, two or five or ten years ago - hats off to you. You probably don't even care if the whole world is laughing at your club- barely breathing; rock-bottom and embarrassed. You don't care about us because you only care for the club - it is already in your blood.

The universal law of allegiance is simple - no matter what happens, you stay unmoved. Zero doubt, zero distrust, zero skepticism.

You can give constructive criticisms, you can innocently complain about Van der Sar's schoolboy error - by all means. We are only human. But the moment we cross that line, whatever line it is and however fine it is, it means only one thing- we ought to know better.

When asked what is Sir Alex's message to the fans in the midst of this Rooney mess, he said it best like he always did;

"The message is that they have to trust Manchester United".

So, do you? If you do, you do. By heart, you just do. But if you don't, then you can either try your best to do so, or, oh well, get yourself a Manchester City jersey instead?

I am back

It was a Monday night. I was holding my ever-so-reliable-trust-me-the-ink-will-never-dry-off Carrera B6 pen. I was twirling it. A piece of A4 paper I tore off from the notepad stared back at me. I wanted to write something. Anything. God forbid, for what seemed like a long long time, I have stopped writing. Well, of course I write during exams, I write work-related articles back at well, work. I mean, yes I have been writing, but I have not been writing the way I remember I loved. And I cannot bear that notion of me forgetting that. I mean, nothing is as scary as losing sight of the way to love, the things to love.

Back in those days, I rejoiced, celebrated and solemnized at every essay homework, English or Bahasa Malaysia. Seriously. I would write a 10,000 word essay than to do one single al-whatever-gebra-question. I sucked at al-whatever-gebra as much as Heidi Montag's plastic surgeon's skills.

It is not by accident or a flick of a coin that I went to law school. It makes the most perfect most defectless sense that I am a law graduate. I was blessed with THE lethal combination of all time. I loved writing/languages/history-ish stuffs AND I hated Mathematics. And Physics. And Chemistry. Nothing beats this super-ingredient! Oh I loved Biology but that does not count because I was just too excited about the chapter on you know, the birds and bees.

So yeah, back to my point, I loved to write.

The emotion. It's a like a fiery provocative challenge. Yet if you're on the go, it becomes easy, comforting, soothing, liberating. There is no end. No full-stop. Every word leads to more word. Every interpretation leads to more interpretation. No mathematic equation will ever make me feel this way and i don't intend for that to change. I like the openness of it all. There is no right, there is no wrong. There is no black nor is there white.

"To me, the greatest pleasure of writing is not what it's about, but the inner music the words make" -Truman Capote, McCall's, November 1967

I remember a year ago, after finding out I passed final year, I wrote here that wanted to go out and conquer the world. I wanted to fly up high into the sky. So did I? I did. I really did, in my corner of the world. In my own terms, my own way, my own definition, I took the first step to flying. I spread my wings.

The past one year has been rewarding in all ways possible. I worked as a Personal Assistant to a company director and I swear to you, I must have done something right along the way to have been offered this position. I learnt things law school would never be able to teach me, I met the most amazing people that I would otherwise would not have met, I did things I never thought I was able to do. I have since (heart-wrenchingly) stopped work there because I had to concentrate on my CLP exams. Now, even CLP has ended.

What do I do next? I am asking the same question I asked myself a year ago.

If there was one thing I realised, it is that the crossroads don't end the moment we decide on something. The very decision we make (or not) leads to more crossroads and more decisions.

Life - it is like writing, no? There is no end. No full-stop. It's open. Heck it'll always be open - unbarred, exposed, naked. What's there not to like?

Do you?

Do you live up to your society's standards?

Do you dress the according to what the society thinks you should?

Do you work according to the society's expectations?

Do you say only certain things because the society says that's what you should do?

So you judge yourself according to the society's standards?

Do you use these standards as a measurement of how much you ought to love yourself?

What do you think?

Three games to go.

You know what I absolutely adore about football?

The passion is one of the most beautiful emotions ever.

Eight out of ten people I talk football to told me this is not United's year. It is Chelsea's turn. Bla bla bla. They said it much, and so convincingly so that I have sinfully and regretfully
(but only ALMOST successfully) convinced.

At the 90th minute, I knew that if we have failed to score, that would be the end of us this season. Really. Regardless of the outcome of the Spurs-Chelsea game. It would have been quite an end for us.

And again sinfully so, I started telling myself "It's okay Jaryn. We can't win every year. There's always next year. It's okay. It's okay." I have sort of already given up.

And as I was It's-okay-ing myself......GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!


OMG. THREE POINTS! We won! We did it. It does not matter if Chelsea would have lost or won. We have won. And we did it against Manchester City.
FEELING ALIVE? Only if your heart jumping out of the body is feeling alive!

Of course, it was all that much sweeter that Spurs won later that night.
So we are now only one point behind Chelsea with three games to go. I won't go into saying who's got a tougher last three games though.

I think it's all really up to how well we can win games now. How we are able to WIN the game and WIN it. WIN IT. And while we WIN games, of course there's hoping Chelsea drop points also, or it will be mathematically impossible for United to win. But that, really, is for Chelsea to worry about.

Surely now, I have faith that we can. Nothing is impossible? Heck impossible is nothing!